Just Good Friends

From Peoplebrokers

Just Good Friends

ANABEL DEAN reports, "The Sydney Morning Herald"

THE philosopher Plato was one of the first to contemplate the advantages of being "just good friends". A meeting of the minds through spiritual love was, he suggested, far superior and more worthy than physical love.

Plato's writings sought to establish a realm of absolutes to "allay the moral confusion of his day, but they have come to represent the philosophical foundations of Western culture. Nearly 24 centuries on, many people will agree with his assessment of the value of "platonic" relationships.

Christine Kaine, founder of the friendship club Activity Network, says platonic friendships are essential ? especially now that so many people are marrying later. They add another dimension to life and the degree of femininity or masculinity provided by each person makes for a very special combination.

Platonic friends will often share lifestyles, standards and values, respect and compliment each other, make each other feel good and provide stability, But there are those who believe that there can be no such thing as a truly platonic friendship between a man and a women.

"Any relationship has to have a certain degree of sexual attraction or energy," suggests Ms Kaine, and perhaps that is why the seemingly perfect platonic relationship will sometimes slide into a sexual relationship.

Sometimes, a night of casual sex may make little difference and the friendship continues unaffected, but at other times, intimate contact will change the character of "the third entity". It may end the relationship altogether or it may improve it.

"But I sometimes think we make too much distinction between males and females and our attitude to sex interferes with the possibility for forming close platonic relationships," says Ms Kaine. "Some people think they can't even share houses with the opposite sex because they'd want to be in bed with them."

Dr Martyn Baker, from the Australian Association of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists, suggests there is often an unconscious acknowledgment of the sexual attraction between friends. If the relationship is to remain platonic but the balance is uneven, one person will usually dictate the terms and the other will grow to accept the situation.

Sometimes there will be no acknowledgment of sexual interest because the feelings may not be reciprocated. Sometimes the uncharted territory is too frightening and sometimes people simply prefer not to change the rules, believing there is greater potential for the friendship than the love affair.

Although it is always difficult to make generalisations, Dr Baker suggests that men are probably more inclined to risk the friendship for sexual gain, while women may tend to be more cautious.

"But problems can arise when messages are not properly understood or received? if, for example, someone makes a move or a gesture of affection which is ambivalent and it is misinterpreted because the message isn't clear," he says. "No-one knows what the rules are because the bounds are never really distinct.

"Like any friendship, there may be fluctuations in the terms and the mood of the relationship, which at times can cause confusion or frustration. It's a dynamic process which is subject to change; there's always that element of unpredictability, but hopefully mature people can handle that without it becoming a problem."

When the sexual element does not cause complications, platonic friendships will illuminate and enrich life, providing a different perspective in a neutral and non-threatening environment. A psychologist, Peter Quarry, commends the many positive aspects of platonic friendships but agrees that the frustration of unrequited love can lead to anger, jealousy, sarcasm, put-downs, even breaches of trust with advice that is biased or destructive.

He advises people not be too black and white in deciding what constitutes sexual involvement, because "there are all sorts of shades of grey"

"Is it platonic if there is a lot of loving and caring and support and some physical or tactile contact (such as hugging and touching) but no sex?" Mr Quarry says. "Is it platonic if they sleep together but there is no genital or orgasmic sex? I think we can get too hooked into having to categorise and, if we're operating in that grey zone, we feel the need to push the relationship one way or another so it has some definition and conforms to the accepted patterns of relationships... generally men seem to have more difficulty living in the grey zone.

"Categories are terribly limiting; they force people into a particular type of relationship, a lot of people want to write their own formulae and don't feel they can."

Ms Kaine speculates that platonic friendships have greater relevance in out current social climate when people are coupling later, but that may mean greater potential for problems.

"What difficulties develop if one friend suddenly enters into a relationship with someone else?" asks Ms Kaine. "It's only a small percentage of the population who will be accepting of the close platonic friend. Many spouses will feel jealous or insulted if they cannot provide their partner with everything."

It's unrealistic for husbands and wives to think that marriage supplies all needs.

"Marriages will survive better when people start realising that they can't depend on one person, and another woman or man may supply the extra needs," Ms Kaine says. "People without close friendships are often very dry and barren."

Heather Fenning from Dinner for Six, an organisation that encourages "networking" over dinner, suggests that women are more likely to dictate the criteria of the friendship, while men are more likely to be encouraged by the prospect of sexual contact.

"The sexes seem to meet somewhere halfway between the two," she says, "but there isn't a person alive who wouldn't have that brotherly or sisterly platonic friend who can almost stand in as a parent-figure. We all need someone there without the sexual involvement."

An affection that has stood the test of time

LOUISE Brown and Brian Lutman have loved and adored one another for 17 years. They are the best of friends.

"We met through mutual friends and were quite attracted to one another," says 37-year-old Louise, a credit card company manager. "For the first couple of years we virtually lusted after one another, but as time went by, I went overseas and then he went overseas; we remained in fairly frequent contact, and it just developed into a very close friendship, very much like a brother-sister friendship."

The friendship is extremely important to each of them. They support each other in business and their personal lives, resolve any conflict before it has a chance to take hold, go on holidays together at Easter and Christmas time, and see each other at least twice a week.

"We're very aware about how we feel for each other. I've often said to Brian that we'll grow old together and we'll still be friends when we're 95. We're very, affectionate and most people are surprised about how close we are. The sexual attraction hasn't arisen again; that was a long time ago, but I still feel very comfortable cuddling and kissing him. "We're physically very close without any physical attraction."

Since Brian, a 44-year-old computer salesman, has moved in with his girlfriend, Kerryn, the three of them have become close friends, and "it's worked very well because she trusts me 100 per cent", says Louise.

"Brian has always included me in everything he does with new girls on the scene, and none of them have taken a dislike to me, or been jealous of the relationship we have," she says. "His past girlfriends have become equally good friends. I would never put them in a situation that made them feel threatened. I'd back off and let them get to know me and feel comfortable about me."